4 days stuck..

since 24, i hadn`t done special, even for my self like a simple gift.. i avoided parties and club for a change, perhaps for a while!

i celebrated christmas together with a friend, had a little supper, cooked pasta and bought cake for two, nothing really special except that we spend time together, both had nobody around us, like we called ``family``. We watched movie, laughed out together, had drank lemonade and beers.

apparently i stayed alone, didn`t go out for 4 freaking days, i wouldn`t like to stay home like this, but the freezing cold would keep you home, aside from travelling by bus and train would probably break your notion to hang on, except limousine is glittering outside my door.. lol

i dont know what to do, yesterday was a boxing sale all over the country, still i decided to lay down on my bed, and eventually causes back pain..

i`m stuck!

physically bad and worst emotionally so hard.. i know, i shoudn`t be like this, however it is really tough.. i never had a life like this, time moves so fast, though changed likewise. Yet unfortunately, damn! what i want? i dont want to get stuck..

longing for nothing

since thursday night, i been searching for something, something that i could not figure out what..

something is missing, something that hurts so bad that everytime i remember i am grieving.. so painful that nothing could heal..

if i would have a chance to see what will happen after i would have prepare something..

so sad, i feel so bad...

starting that day i'm always up in my bed, i dont know why.. this might because i am far from my family or might because of somebody, somebody whom very special to me, however apparently had gone..

a tribute for gandma

I dropped a tears everytime i remember a promise before i left ''no matter what i will go back''..

Our family expecting everybody to come wherever they from, except me! i like it or not i have to stay.. unfortunately i'm here away from them thousand of miles a way.

Next year, on her 94th birthday we planned to double the budget, the visitors, the activities and more.. Even 4x than what we expect a year before..


3 years AGO, since we decided to celebrate her yearly colossal birthday party. Sponsored by my parents, family and me, inviting closely thousand of people (even more) from different places, held at her very huge land(where grandchildrens would have a piece of it). A day until dawn of celebrating a big fiesta, with full of food, activities, and craziness. A day to dance,to laugh for success and happiness.



Unawaitedly was my aunt 54th birthday Aug. 3, 2008, i couldn't sleep it might be my unexplained excitement or stress. Early in the morning i greeted her, we mocked on the phone, giggling and laughing, same time we received an international text message from my sister asking to call her. We rang her at home and she was speechless to say any word, finally she mentioned that lola was awake all night long calling those people who is very close to her....later she said ''lola rested!", we did not catched the message, then she weeped.. In the midst of our laughter it turned out to burst a very loud groan........ my gandma rested, she will be rested forever..

The news shocked us, we are waiting the time to say goodbye but we did not prepare to hear it very early.. We love her, we are very close to her, she was so kind, and she offered her life by helping people, she has everything...

My grievous part is for not seeing her, not on her last moment in this world..

All of my families are there, but me, stuck in this unkind place, a place does not care to anybody, a place won't allow me to go back no matter how important she is to me..( I'm sorry lola, forgive me for not keeping my promise)..


Now, i decided to finish this year here, i will go back to make a life there again to stay close to them(families and friends), to keep my promise for them, to live near for better or for worst as a family.. i would never let this thing happen again, for you lola...

For you, we would continue to do what you started, to feed and to help the people who needed your help through us.. WE LOVE YOU LOLA, YOU'RE THE BEST!!!

so fast!

I don't know how many hours I have been sitting outside my balcony for so long....


Taking the fresh air as much as I could going to my nose and lungs made me feel nervous,

my sorrounding was clear and calm, I could barely hear the serene somewhere! My hearing was so dull...

The moon lighting so bright up from the sky while the plane moving on its side, I saw it yet very far, I CAN'T explain but i dropped a tear..

YESTERDAY... I was lying down at my TATAY's lap asking nonsense question... So young...

Inexperienced..

There are times I'm screaming for him to wash my bum, and he was like''coming..'' hustling through the way, afraid to fail his little daughter command..

NANAY telling me to be descent and polite, sometimes knocking my ''little coconut shell'' everysingle day to admonish me..

Still, i decided to choose my own way..

THOSE MEMORY BEWAILED ME..

Presently, I could'nt FEEL any of my family presence, neither their clasp, kisses and solace around me..

Still, i decided to choose...

I left and now living independently..

In addition to, I'm embracing a vast responsibility which would take place my individual life into another way of life(a new life)..

A NEW life where I am determined to convey forever and proudly say ONLY BUT BY MYSELF ..

To prove that i survived and YES I KNOW I ABSOLUTELY COULD!!!



INDEED SO FAST!

baw zarina..

i'm not really planning to sign up on this site, but i had to post a comment for my very "beuna amiga zaw?" though i missed eating my food and doing lot of stuff for today..oh! it's pretty annoying yet exciting, coz i could relate somehow of their personal issues and news regarding their lifestyle.

hay...... late naku sa ubra la pko ka kaon, im always busy...aside from that, my new laptop makes me type so slow, slower than a firstimer keyboard typer coz im getting confused of my new sony vaio, heck! i dont know how to use its manual properly for i used to have an ''Acer''.. eventually i will get use to it!


damn! i committed to post here finally! because of you "miss zarina!"